Thursday, February 20

going the distance

I had a strong talking to with myself this week.

Since getting home, and actually staying home rather than jet setting somewhere else as I've lately been doing, I've been a little prone to loneliness and self pity.

Woe is me, I'm single again, I'm alone in the world…that sort of thing. Never mind that I've been 'alone' for all but a few years of my life when it comes to romance. I really ought to be a pro by now.

And getting back into aerial dance has been no picnic either. Planning to enact some great feat on the lira, I manage to get just one leg hooked over the hoop before gravity and my recently dormant muscles decide it's just not going to happen.

'I'm too old for this…I have one arm…and a compromised immune system,' I moan inwardly, 'what am I even doing here?'

I got an email this week from my little middle, recently married, sis, who felt compelled to tell me how I have inspired her and how she believes I inspire all sorts of people just by being who I am. I read the email sitting on my couch, where I'd previously been pondering how many people's lives would actually be affected if I were to check out early.

Now before I start getting a flush of emails expressing concern for my mental health, let me assure you, it's too late. That's the kind of morose hypothetical gymnastics I do for fun.

But I was glad to hear it. If you can get that sort of email from the person you had to share a bathroom with while growing up, you are blessed indeed.

Stretching out on the mat before practice, I try to look past the talented acrobats around me and remind myself that it's not about what I can do on the lira today, it's about showing up every week and trying again without quitting.

I was offered a job last week as a therapeutic riding instructor. It was exciting, of course, as that's essentially the one thing I was working toward all last fall. But it's taken some time to reflect on my journey to this point. Not so long ago, I didn't imagine I'd be doing anything equine-related, much less get paid as an instructor. Yet, here I was, standing amidst a group of people I'd just met, clapping their excitement for my presence.

Driving to aerial rehearsal last night, I reflected that one year ago, I would never have guessed I'd be a member of an aerial dance company now. I took a moment to let gratitude wash over me. It felt good.

As Anton Chekhov said, "Any idiot can face a crisis, it's day to day living that wears you out." Or, you might say it's the practice of waiting…for strength, for purpose, for love…that is so hard.

But I don't intend on being any idiot.