breaking up

When a romantic relationship comes to a halt, why is it called breaking up? That sounds too positive.

Last night Mountain Guy and I broke up, yes, if you are counting, for the second time. I think this one is gonna stick, though. We've both been through too much.

If our relationship were a book, you might say we weren't on the same page. Or the story had to end. Of course it was a lot messier than that, but some topics are better left on the shelf. MG, if you are reading this, I hope you appreciate the above cliché metaphors.

But maybe you are not reading this. Maybe this is my own therapy. I am used to playing the therapist, anyway. So I guess I will tell myself to keep my chin up, put my head down, and don't let it kick my ass. That's what MG's first construction boss used to tell him when he was learning to be a roofer. I hope that is what he is telling himself now.

I woke up this morning and had my coffee in the courtyard as I have many mornings before. There was no crack in the sky. Lisa my neighbor still waved a good morning from across the street.

The tears will come, of course, when I remember how we both love to grow things, how his littlest girl always wants to be on my lap, and how at the first sign of my discomfort, he jumped to alleviate it. I will not easily find another man so sensitive to the movement of God and so anxious to learn. And I'm fairly certain I will never find a harder worker.

But this is not new, the break up. Chances are, each of you, my readers, is nodding your head. It's pretty much the same, one arm or two. Maybe you will agree with me that we should not call it breaking up, but breaking down. And it's OK to break down; most things do from time to time.

You'll just have to bear with me because I am relatively new to this thing. Not that I've never experienced the end of a relationship before, but I've also never dated anyone longer than four months. This was seven. We were involved. We saw each other nearly every day.

I've never been scared to be alone before. But I learned how less harsh the world can seem when you have someone fighting in your corner. Of course, I still have Little Gen and Agent A., and that is no small thing, but they will not be content to stare into my eyes for hours on end. And I wouldn't want them to...that would be weird.

But when I woke up this morning, I felt peace; a peace I haven't felt in months. I returned MG's house key. I cleaned the floors. I feel much closer to my intuition; and listening to your heart can be about as crazy and reason free as falling in love. It's an adventure. 

I once saw a movie, the name of which I've forgotten, but at the very end, the heroine, having recently relinquished love, stands on a hill overlooking the sea. The final lines of the film are her voice over saying: "I have loved. I love. I will love again."

There is something affirming and comforting in that. Maybe it is breaking up, after all.

OneArmGirl